Home Uncategorized When to Take Back a Cheating Man, Boyfriend, Or Husband

When to Take Back a Cheating Man, Boyfriend, Or Husband

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I write a lot about healing after an affair, saving the relationship (if that’s what you chose to do), and emerging stronger in the end. I have a lot of women who contact me and ask things like “how do I know if I should take him back?” or “when is it advisable to forgive a cheating man and save the relationship or marriage?”  The answer to these questions is going to depend on a few things like: the circumstances; the ability to compromise and work on the relationship by both parties; and the capacity of the person who was cheated on to forgive combined with the capacity of the person who cheated to change their behavior.  In the following article, I’ll give you the tips and guidelines that I often give women who want to know if they should forgive or take back the man who cheated on them.

Can You Truly Forgive Him And Trust Him After He Cheated?: This is really the million dollar question because if the answer is ultimately no, then the relationship is really going to be compromised or doomed.  People who are able to have happy marriages and relationships after an affair do so because they are able to reestablish the trust and intimacy.  They are able to make the relationship better and more fulfilling so that they are confident that both people are happy and don’t need to look elsewhere.

But, if you can’t get to this place, you will always wonder, always suspect, and always secretly be insecure and unhappy.  The doubt and worry will choke out the good in the relationship.  Now, coming to this place takes time.  Just because you’re not able to forgive or move on now doesn’t mean that you will remain stuck forever.  It almost always takes time, patience, reassurance, and removing the triggers that contributed to the cheating in the first place. You need these things to ensure that you feel safe moving on.  Have patience with this process and don’t become angry with yourself if you’re not there yet.

How Willing Is He To Determine Why He Cheated And Change His Behavior?: In order for you to be comfortable taking him back, you’re going to have to feel secure in the fact that he’s not going to cheat on you again.  Therefore, he must be willing to put safeguards in place for you.  Are overnight trips too tempting for him? Are there certain friends who are bad influences? Does he have poor impulse control? Does he act behind your back rather than communicating with you about what is wrong or what is bothering him? All of these things will need to be properly addressed.

A man who is worth taking back after cheating is a man who is willing to walk down the path of healing with you, even if it is embarrassing, inconvenient, painful, or uncomfortable.  In short, he’s willing to prove himself trustworthy and willing to do whatever it takes until you’re OK again.  These men are often reassuring, attentive, and patient when you check up on them.  They want to be transparent and become an open book because they want to save the relationship and they know that this requires that you completely trust them again.

Can You Get To A Place Where You No Longer Need To Punish Them, Or Yourself, Anymore? Will You Chose A Healthy Relationship Over Resentment That Doesn’t Go Away?: The thing that I most often see doom a relationship following cheating is a cheated on partner who just can not let it go.  Sometimes, it will be years since the cheating happened and the husband has done everything right. He’s been transparent, trustworthy, and loving.  He’s taken your hand and willingly walked the path to forgiveness and yet you still just can not let it go and you need to continue on with the punishment of snide remarks, sarcastic comments, and a lack of trust.

Now, I’m not saying this is not understandable.  An affair is probably one of the most painful things that you can go through. Some people never get over it and that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with them at all.  But, those who are able to save the relationship are able to eventually let the anger and resentment go for the greater good.  They make a conscious decision that they would rather be happy than to have the upper hand or the trump card.  They decide that their spouse or boyfriend is worth fighting for and they are willing to trust again knowing that without this, they are doomed to fail.

Another thing that I see is that the person who was cheated on will blame themselves and will hold onto this so much that it hurts the relationship.  They will have a loop of self talk running through their head that goes something like: “I knew that he would leave me eventually.  I can never keep a man.  What’s wrong with me?”  These insecurities were likely there before he cheated, but are understandably  worse now.  However, they are poison for your relationship.  Why? Because every time your husband or boyfriend says he loves you, finds you sexy, and wants you, you aren’t going to believe or trust him.  You’re going to think that he’s just saying this so, instead of being happy, you’re going to wonder what he’s up to. 

This is a very destructive cycle that has to stop, rather you remain in this relationship or not.  If you can’t over come this, it will only affect your next relationship.  You must know that deep in your heart that you’re a lovable, desirable, worthwhile person and that no man, or his mistake, can change this for you or can change who you are. 



Source by Katie Lersch

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