Are you suspicious that your wife is having an emotional affair?
Are you seeing emotional affair signs without even knowing it?
If you have a sneaking suspicion that your wife is being a little too intimate with another man, then this article will help you discern the truth.
As you continue reading, you are going to learn the most common signs of an emotional affair.
You’ll also learn the “why” behind these common emotional affair warning signs, although of course there’s much more of that kind of information in the Emotional Affairs 101 series (which this article is a part of; see end of article).
Keep in mind, any one of these emotional affair signs can have an alternative explanation. For example, Sign #1. Increased Emotional Distance doesn’t necessarily mean an emotional affair by itself, and neither does Sign #3. Deliberately Secret Communication, but if you notice both of them together, that’s much more likely to be the case.
In general though, where there’s smoke you’ll also find fire.
You’ll understand more as we progress through the various signs, so let’s go ahead and get started.
Sign #1. Increased Emotional Distance
Please note the important word here… The emotional distance between you and your wife will have INCREASED since she started having feelings for another man.
If there has been emotional distance between you and your wife for a long time, this emotional affair sign is less reliable, but still relevant if it seems to be getting worse.
Think about it like this analogy:
Each spouse has a Love Glass. In that Love Glass is all of the love and affection and desire that you or your wife are capable of pouring out. Each day, you can only pour out your Love Glass until it is empty… You only have a set capacity of love to be poured out.
So far, so good?
Now, if there is another man then your wife will be pouring less of her Love Glass for you, and more for this other man. You will notice… Unless she hasn’t been pouring her Glass for you in a long time, then you won’t notice when she starts pouring it out for another man.
Does that make sense?
Furthermore, your wife will subconsciously create emotional distance between the two of you and then blame you for it… This allows her to justify her own unfaithfulness by saying that “you weren’t affectionate enough” or “you don’t pay attention to me.”
As always, the best way to use this emotional affair sign is in conjunction with the others. There is a reason for your wife’s emotional distance… It doesn’t HAVE to be emotional cheating, but if the other emotional affair signs point you in that direction then that could easily be the explanation.
Sign #2. Lack of or Decrease in Sexual Intimacy
I could have almost included this in the first sign of emotional infidelity, because they are very similar and the same rules apply. In other words, just because you and your wife are experiencing the reality of a sexless marriage doesn’t necessarily mean she’s involved in an emotional affair.
A lack of intimacy is the effect… You just don’t know the cause. However, decreased sexual desire for your spouse IS one of the side effects of being in an emotional affair.
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck, it’s a duck.
Sign #3. Deliberately Secret Communication
Here we get into the more concrete signs of an emotional affair.
In the hundreds of accounts I’ve read of men and women suspecting an emotional affair due to secretive communication, there has only been one case – literally, a single one – where it wasn’t an emotional affair… And even in that one case, it was clear that an emotional affair would soon develop.
Whether it’s an emotional affair or not, if your wife is deliberately hiding a relationship from you, then that is inappropriate and a breach of the trust needed for a happy marriage. Even if your marriage is not the definition of happy right now, any interaction with another man that your wife feels she needs to hide from you will take away from your marriage’s potential.
Here are some more specific examples of a spouse deliberately hiding communication:
- Deleting numbers from your caller ID
- Keeping a secret e-mail account
- Changing the password on her current email or Facebook account
- Texting another man late at night or in a private room
- Meeting someone for lunch and not telling you about it
- Spending extensive time in front of the computer without a good reason
Again, independently there could be a good reason for any of these, but taken in stride with the other emotional affair signs you should be suspicious.
Sign #4. Very Frequent Communication with a Friend or Coworker
Since most women won’t acknowledge that they’re doing anything wrong – certainly not having an affair – she may not be taking extreme measures to hide her extramarital relationship. One of the most common emotional affair signs is an increase in the frequency of communication between your wife and this other man.
For example, here’s one example I found on a popular online forum (names changed for anonymity):
John’s wife, Jenny, had a close high school friend that she had kept in touch with over the years. Nothing serious, just an email a month or so, maybe a phone call 3 or 4 times a year. This old high school friend came in town for a business trip and ended up having lunch a couple times with Jenny. John thought nothing of it, just glad his wife was happy. But after this other man left town things changed – he and Jenny started having extended phone conversations three or four times a week, texting each throughout the day as well as exchanging daily emails.
John tried not to be suspicious, but then one day he happened upon Jenny’s phone and saw that she had an unread text message. He couldn’t help it… He took a peek. That was when John discovered that Jenny had been sharing intimate details about their marriage, including their sex life. Not only that, but she’d been telling the other guy how good it was to see him, how much she missed him, and she was trying to arrange face-to-face contact again… Even if it meant sneaking out of town!
Naturally, John found this deeply disturbing.
Of course, when Jenny was confronted she denied that there was anything going on, but you tell me… This “friendship” put a strain on their marriage. Instead of discussing marriage problems with John, Jenny was venting them to this other guy with no purpose other than getting him to value her and pity her.
Fortunately, in this case John was able to show Jenny how she had crossed the boundaries of a marriage relationship, and she agreed that she had acted inappropriately and recognized her breach of trust. She immediately stopped contact with her old friend and their marriage was soon stronger than ever.
Very few emotional affairs end that easily.
Sign #5. Unwillingness to Let Go of the Relationship
If your wife is unwilling to let go of a relationship that you fear may become an emotional affair (if it isn’t already), that’s a clear sign that she values this other man’s attention more than she values your own.
As you learned in What Is an Emotional Affair, the psychological state that becomes dominant during an emotional affair is called Limerance. It’s similar to infatuation; it means that your wife is highly attracted to another man and obsessed with having him reciprocate those feelings. She’s literally desperate for his attention.
Now, I am the last one you will ever hear using psychology as an excuse for actions. Please do not misinterpret what I’m saying! I’m telling you this so that you can be clear… If your wife is unwilling to let go of a “friendship” for the sake of your marriage, that means that attraction is playing a role somewhere in there.
If she refuses to recognize that she is involved in an emotional affair, it may be helpful for her to answer the questions in Am I Having an Emotional Affair?
Hopefully you have a good idea whether or not your spouse is committing emotional infidelity. Between these five emotional affair signs, it should be pretty clear.