You have just found out, beyond any reasonable doubt, that your loved one has had an affair. You may have suspected it for a while but now you know. At first the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and betrayal is all that comes to you. Then feelings of causing the same pain to your loved one and worse to the person involved with your partner may come. All of this is perfectly natural and at the same time destructive to your emotional well being. Scream, yell, curse, break something, cry or do anything to help release your anger. Preferably by yourself or even better with someone very close to you who will be able to sympathize with you and support you through this crisis. With as much emotional turmoil as there will be inside of you, you probably will not be able to make any decisions that you can be certain of. So, you have to take the edge off one way or the other. Then it is time to think.
You must think first of yourself. How to best get you through this major assault on your well being. Do you want your partner to leave? Sometimes that is best so you can think things through without the constant reminder that this person just hurt you. There is a downside to this course. They may go to the other person which will cause more conflict. Perhaps just separate sleeping quarters will do for now and at the same time letting your partner know in no uncertain terms that you need a little space and time to get things sorted out. Then it is time for the healing to start.
With your decision to calm things down out of the way the next thing you have to do is get a support base. Whether it is family, friends or a counselor, who you can trust with your personal thoughts and plans, find someone to talk to. With them being outside the situation the may have a clear mind to help you with whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. There is no need to go through this by yourself, no matter how tough you are. As they say two heads are better than one and in this case your head may not be altogether in the right place. Hopefully your confidant will be good at listening, know and care about you and willing to help you see things as they are. Then you need to realize that you can only really change yourself without the other person really wants to change.
Think about it. Can you ever be sure that this person you are involved with will do what it takes to bring about a true and lasting reconciliation? No matter how well we think we know someone we can not know all that is going on inside of them. That is why it is imperative that you make the decision to be the person you are and want to be regardless of what happens from here. Let your, (at least at one time), special someone know what your intentions and plans are and you need know what their are. If they do not fit with your plans then you know that you may have to make changes. Many times while you are thinking about what will and what has happened you will have questions that you need to have answered. The whys and whats of the affair are nagging voids that need to be looked at or possibly be repeated.
Affairs can come in many different forms. Your someone may just be trying to make themselves feel more important because of a lack of self esteem they have for themselves. It may be that they are unsatisfied with the relationship that you all are in right now. Sometimes situations present themselves that individuals are not prepared for and they go with the moment not thinking about the consequences. Is that an excuse? No it is not, not at all. You have to determine to the best of your ability, with the help of your support person and by asking questions to your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend, until you think you have enough information to have a reasonable idea of what transpired. After that you can make real decisions of what to do about it. Is the relationship worth the effort it is going to take both of you to repair? Will another an affair ever cause more pain? These are hard questions and will take a lot of thinking and talking with you and your partner to know if you are going to do what it takes to make a good and lasting relationship or decide that it can not possibly work. Do not throw love out because it is going to take time and be a struggle to work out a permanent solution. On the other hand if it is hopeless it is best not to linger on past memories if things have come to a place where it will not work.
Remember, win or lose it is not the end, only a new beginning. It could be a new beginning of commitment and awareness of your current love or a new beginning with someone else with a learned experience and possibility to do better this time around. Whatever it is, I sincerely wish you the best. Remember, what you do should be done with your happiness in mind. If you are happy it will help you to be happy.