Many times when one spouse or significant other involved in a relationship strays, it was with someone that they have known in their past or are around on a daily basis. The most common type of long term affair is between co-workers. Most times, small companies employ a handful of employees and those employees are usually grouped into sections. Within those sections, those co-workers deal with each other on a daily basis. When that occurs, people are prone to get to know each other and in turn become more comfortable around each other. Because of their newly found comfort, these cozy co-workers begin to share items from their personal lives. Once that occurs, some co-workers realize that they have something in common with the other co-worker. Whether it be a mutual physical attraction to each other, or a mutual problem within their personal relationships, or a common interest that they both enjoy spending time with, the co-workers begin to develop a personal tie to each other. Once that occurs, then one or both parties begin to imagine the other in a role more than that of a co-worker. As time goes on both co-workers begin to become more daring in their personal conversations, flirting with each other, sharing plans that each other have in hopes that the other will show up, spending lunch hours together or just meeting other co-workers at a common happy hour location. Each co-worker finds a way to spend time with the other in a manner that may appear innocent to others around them, but at the same time, allowing them to spend as much time together as possible.
This type of activity creates a fragile home environment in which the potential cheater is already, in their mind, attempting to find a way to spend less time at home and more time with their co-worker. They begin to create reasons why they have to stay late at work. They volunteer for assignments with the other co-worker that they normally wouldn’t take on; they begin text messaging each other regarding work related issues and eventually exchange cell phone numbers so they can contact each other immediately upon having a work related reason to converse. As that phase continues on, one or both of the co-workers then has a problem at home. Because both parties are now at the point that they want to be with each other and the only thing standing in their way is their personal, existing relationships and the thought of doing the right thing, they then begin to hope for any minor problems at home. Once that occurs, whether it be an argument over finances, or an argument over shared responsibilities or even something as minimal as whose turn it is to take out the dog, the potential cheater will exaggerate the significance of the argument and turn it into a bigger problem. Not because the potential cheater wants to fight with their spouse or significant other, but because they are justifying in their mind how terrible their current relationship is so they can either cheat or think about leaving their spouse or significant other without the normal feelings of guilt associated with the act of infidelity.
Eventually when the potential cheater has created enough tension at home, for a long enough period of time, they being to think of life with their new adulterous partner. They begin to think of what their life would be like if they were to leave their significant other or spouse. They envision themselves having to move out of their current residence or how they would be able to get their spouse or significant other to leave. They envision how they would be able to survive financially without the other and how much of their money or equity they may lose in the process. They begin contemplating the effects of their family, children or friends if they were to leave their spouse. They contemplate the idea that if they leave their spouse and keep their side relationship a secret for a long enough period of time, they could then begin to bring their relationship into light and create the appearance that they never cheated. They were just single for a while and then began dating the adulterous partner that no one knows. The only problem with that is it doesn’t quite work that way.
The potential cheater then realizes that if they have to give up half of their net worth, or savings account or may have to move out of their own home and pay alimony or sometimes palimony to their spouse, they may not be able to afford it. If there are children involved then there is the factor of having to pay child support until their children turn eighteen years of age. Those financial factors compiled with the idea that after spending all of that money on their ex-spouse and children, they may not have enough money left over to wine and dine their new partner in a manner where he or she may be impressed. The potential cheater then realizes that without his spouse and the comfort of his current life, he or she may not be able to enjoy time spent with their new adulterous partner. Due to that fact, they decide to stay in their relationship and begin a new and secret affair on the side. That way, they can continue the comfort of their current lives and still obtain the excitement of their new relationship.
Over time, now that the cheaters is involved with this co-worker and has been for some time, covering their tracks, hiding their trail, deleting their text messages and voice mails, sneaking around and lying about where they have been and what they were doing, their spouse begins to get suspicious. The cheater’s spouse then starts to notice the signs of cheating, and eventually hires an investigator to develop the evidence needed to prove it to themselves. That evidence eventually is used to end the relationship or marriage and both parties move on with their lives. Long term relationships with an adulterous partner can start in many, many different ways, however they all have the same ingredients.
(1) A mutual attraction between two people that have become close over some time,
(2) A slowing or difficult time in their current marriage or relationship,
(3) Opportunity. If a cheater has opportunity, it will fuel their adulterous relationship potential as the free time or the easy to explain situations allows them the freedom to spend that intimate time with their adulterous partner.